Category Archives: new creature

“Until Christ be formed in You”

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Well, for me it didn’t happen over night.  When I started out I was a rebelious teen sneaking out at night, getting drunk, stoned, hating my sister, experiementing with sex.

I pretty much took over the possition of my X step dad.  I’d come home from school, light up that cigerette, and turn Van Halen up as loud as I could.  The louder the better.  Why I liked it loud I don’t know….maybe because he did….maybe because in his heart I was the daughter he wanted that nobody else wanted….and I knew that.  He even called me “his daughter.”  I acted just like him too….the only “father” I ever knew , mistreating my sister because that is what he did.   I came home drunk one night with my guy friend Mike who was a long haired pot head but a nice long haired pot head who politely took all the blame whenI was so drunk I lit the cigerette from the wrong end….and I really thought I was smoking it.  And the days of “sun-in” and bleach blonde hair that was dry as hay….and a big attitude, so skinny from no food I was almost anorexic, and tanned, verry tanned.  So angry that all it took was for me to drop something to set me off cussing.  Extreamly withdrawn, no real friends except Mike…who probably would have made a good husband if he ever gave up pot, maybe even if he didn’t. ( I beat him at some board game….I don’t remember which one.)

My sister and I had *no* relationship.  My mother was always working and when she wasn’t she was in her room crying over the next guy she lost, and finally begging me, begging me to go to church with her.  I finally did, thinking there had to be something better than this.  I feel bad for my mom but it really wasn’t all her fault.  If my Grandpa wasn’t so abusive she would have had a better life.  “Provoke not your children to anger.”

I’m just now getting to know my sister.  Why does life have to be so difficult.  Most sisters are best friends be we are like Jacob and Esau.  Or in the Bible Rachel and Lea, me always the ugly one…the invisible one….the one who had no personality….no friends…and like Rachel, Rebecca was beautiful and well favored and I was just a lost “ugly” soul still in the “Oh my God what in the world is this” fase.

OK.  Life did not change for me overnight.  First I became a Baptist and after I went through their whole “Romans road to salvation” salvation plan and called on the lord they stopped there.  Didn’t explain repentance, why I needed to be baptised or anything…just the calling and believing part.  Knowing nothing and being extreamly trusting, I believed them….Until I went to youth camp and learned about Lordship salvation.

There is just a mess of religious nonsense out there you have to weed your way through and you can’t believe everything everybody tells you because most of the time they’ve been taught at some seminary what to believe.

I lived in doubts and depression for fifteen years, fearing the “rapture” never sure of anything and scared to death of dying.  But that depression is God’s call telling you there is something wrong.

Best way I moved on from there was after I was confronted by some people who told me about God’s commandments.  I was taught by the Baptists it was not necessary to obey God.  They were pretty convincing about it, but in my heart I knew something was wrong.  After studying with the Sabbath day keepers for about six months I realized I had been duped and was in agaony after that until I started setting aside a time….at least an hour…more like two for study and prayer.

One of my favorite passages that helped me is John 15.  It speaks of abiding in the vine (the branches).  If we dont stay connected with Jesus we can’t grow and we won’t be righteous.  You have to get His Words *in you* and you need to do it every day if you can.

When I started out I did this in the morning…after husband was off to work so about 6:30 am-9:00 am.  It was good.  After a little while maybe about six months I went to a local cell church and told of my new found faith….I unexpectedly ran right into QM, but I didn’t know who he was.  I was still extreamly shook up (or afraid) but at least I knew the Truth.

Eventually, that Truth delivered me from the depression of my younger years, but it also took leaving two abusive relationships.

Google the law written on the heart….Essential, important.  I asked God to write his law in my heart, and he did.  I started seeing progress after about six months.

I still have quite a temper, but its just that I learned to take up for myself.  In the past I kept quiet, let people throw rocks at me, run over me, abuse me.  The drinking and pot stopped when I moved in with my legal guardians….but only because they made me.  I needed structure.  I never thought I’d come this far….to actually be used by God to help his people.  But like I said…you never know what you casn do until you try.

Also, prayer.  A lot of prayer…probably not as much now as needed but maybe 30 min./day.

After a year there will be a significant difference.

QW